This morning I watched a leave float on the wind. It was bit peculiar. I was out in the middle of a field-like area and the trees were not close by. There was a gentle breeze and the clouds were clearing to usher in the full sunlight.
I'm not real good with distance, but I would say the leaf was three stories up in the air. All alone. It was taking a marvelous flight. It was floating on the wind. Swirling, twirling, flipping and swooping low then high.
It was just an average leaf. It was a brown dried Oak leaf. There are many around just like it. Yet this one was different.
It was completely caught up in the wind and taken on an adventure.
No eyes other than mine and it's Creator saw that leaf dance this morning.
I am like that average ol' Oak leaf. I bet you are too. My desire is to let loose and soar like that. To trust God completely. To close my eyes and let the eyes of faith be my sight. I smile with a sweet peace knowing that my Creator is my only audience. Perhaps a passer by will catch a glimpse and see His glory in the soaring adventure He carries us on. Perhaps they too will be inspired to let loose and place their trust in Him.
"He is before all things and in Him all things hold together."
Colossians 1:17
The Laundry Room. This scene startled me. I was instantly reminded that Jesus is with me in the most mundane tasks. Even laundry is Holy when I bow myself to Him and do it out of love for my family. Yes, He is before all things and in Him all things hold together.
Our Bedroom Dresser. In the early morning the sun came in under the trees and cast His Cross on our dresser. We wake with the reminder that dying to our selfish desires and material longings is the only way to truly carry His Love. Yes, He is before all things and in Him all things hold together.
Our Bedroom Door. Before I enter the world, it's there again. Entering through the cross is the only way to really live. Remembering His love for me...for the world as I step out. Yes, He is before all things and in Him all things hold together.
Our Bathroom. Hands of a strong father laid the stone floor of our bathroom. He was bent low with a sweating brow. He kneeled. He scraped grout over all the crosses. Over and over he made crosses while he was bent low giving himself. He has lived the Love our Jesus. Yes, He is before all things and in Him all things hold together.
The Cathedral Basilica in St. Louis. More than 80,000 tiles adorn this buidling making up one of the most extensive mosaics in the world. From the ground, we look up and are reminded of His Cross, His Sacrifice for our sakes. The grace and beauty of it all paralyzes me. His Love... I don't deserve. Yes, He is before all things and holds all things together.
The Cathedral Basilica in St. Louis. The One and Only who took the cross for us. He showed us the way to really live. Yes, He is before all things and in Him all things hold together.
Backyard in a Mess. Isn't this just as beautiful as the cathedral. His cross changes our vision. Through Him, all things are being made new. He changes the mess to beauty. This messy life is only made right through Him. I smile at the fun my children have had in there home and pray that they are filled with joy and peace. I pray that I am a living example of Christ to them. I pray that I lay down myself for my husband, my children, and the church. Yes, He is before all things and in Him all things hold together.
And, isn't He doing the same in your life? He's holding us all together.
Check out this short (incredible... trust me it is) video:
My favorite thing about golf is driving the golf cart. That's what I did with my dad when I was little and that's what I do with my husband. I clearly remember the golf courses I drove on while we were on our honeymoon. We still have a couple "golf dates" every year. Brent focuses on his shots. I focus on nature.
Last week we were nearly alone at a beautiful course in Farmington. The sun was setting. The scene was thick with beauty. My inner dialogue was conversing with our Creator. I settled on thoughts about about time and moments as the earth turned away from the light. I imagined things going on at that moment in our world. Joyous moments of babies being born, marriage proposals, and teenagers trusting their Savior for the first time. Quiet moments of moms and daughters hugging, a grandpa telling stories, and men praying. Sad moments like a beautiful teenage girl from a small town taking her last breath, hundreds of people's lives reeling from tragic loss, and illness reeking havoc on a strong body. Time. Moments. Life.
I followed Brent to the next hole. The cart path was tucked on the bottom of a hill in the shadow of the trees. The next hole was the same. The petty side of me complained inside that I was missing the climax of the sunset. The shadows seemed to take so long. I kept thinking about how I was missing the best part. Time and beauty were going by. Then I heard a whisper in my thoughts. "Be patient. I have something better to show you." I argued the thought and decided it was a cliche. I settled that I missed the best part and was glad Brent was having fun.
As we crept out of the valley above the trees we were taken back by the fire-like clouds and vivid colors. We drove in very slowly staring at the incredible display. By very slowly I mean that I barely moved the cart and kept stopping to stare.
I laughed when I realized that God was showing off. He indeed did show me something better. He was the One speaking in my heart reminding me of a truth.
When we are in the shadows and feeling like we have missed it or lost it, we must be patient and watchful. When our time is filled with something difficult or dark He is always creating something beautiful. The valley of shadows will end and beauty will be revealed. If you are headlong in a shadow, know that just above the trees He is creating something beautiful and...
We will basque in the Beauty and experience His Glory if we actively wait and watch.
Well, I’ve decided to get a doctorate. I know I don’t even have a masters degree yet, so this is a big commitment. I’m doing a little alternative
education. I recently read that it takes
10,000 hours to become a bonafide expert in something. I figure that if I reach the 10,000 hour mark,
I will be deserving of a doctorate.
I’m not sure who will sign my certificate though.
My courses take place 24 hours a day. I just have to choose when I’m participating
in them. I did have a clinical a few
mornings ago. It all began when Brent
did something that made me mad. It
wasn’t a big deal. We were having a bit
of morning rush and he said something I didn’t agree with. I felt the spark light in me. You know what I’m talking about. The spark that makes you want to be sure
you’re opinion is known on the topic. The
typical Heather is quick to point out how what he said was wrong and to then
let the anger burn in me for a while.
Then I would say a decent goodbye as he headed off to work but my heart
wouldn’t be in it.
That morning was different.
I chose to put in some hours toward becoming an expert.
I nonchalantly went on to our bathroom to get ready. My heart was beating fast. I could feel the urge to set things straight
pound with my pulse. I sat down with my
head in my hands. I couldn’t find good words so I just asked God to lead me in
my thoughts. I didn’t want to be angry with Brent. I didn’t want my selfishness to hurt our unity. I
wanted to show him grace.
Just like a Father who wants to help his child succeed, God
flooded my mind with how He forgives me from all the wrong things I say. He reminded me of His Truth. Like how I don’t want to be the nag that
Proverbs talks about and how my role
is to respect my husband and how I need to take the log out of my own
eye!
He tenderly reminded me of His command to love each other as He
loves us and to let peace rule in our hearts:
Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony.And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful. Colossians 3:12-15
I conceded. "Yes, I'll let Your peace rule." And did it ever. Brent and I had a great start to the day. I could have been blah and bland. Instead I had a deep peace and joy that made me smile from the inside out. I sent him off with my love and support. My selfishness didn't ruin our morning. That clinical was worth it!
Well, I added an hour or two to my degree audit (do doctorates even have those?) that morning. I’m determined to become a 10,000 hour
expert at depending on our God’s guidance.
I sure do have many more hours to put in to become an expert. And I’m looking forward to the day I habitually
err on the side of gratitude, love, truth, and forgiveness in all my
relationships! Why don’t you join me in
getting your doctorate too ;)
This song came on Pandora when I was praying that morning. Perhaps, it's a little encouragement from our Savior:
Moms of two year olds have great stories.Every single day has many little comedy
sketches sandwiched between dramatic fits, new discoveries, snuggling, and
action-adventure.Every day is a short
film.Each one contains oodles of
lessons for each person involved.I’m
beginning to suspect that the real intention behind all this drama is to shape
the momma.(Rhyme not intended J).In
the midst of our daily plot line Heidi has discovered her inner giggle
box.I think she spends half her day
laughing at her brother.I get the hard
job of holding my smile back and imposing much needing direction in his little
life.
Watching that little brain discover new things is a priceless
experience.It makes everything in the
world brand new to me too.He drops to
his belly to examine what that was crawling in the grass.He stops dead in his tracks to yell, “Tweet Tweet” back to a bird.He doesn’t miss a
basketball goal within a mile of his eyesight and yells with pure excitement,
“Skook a ball!Shook a ball!”Does God make their senses incredibly
heightened or do ours get dull?
You may not believe the action-adventure part.But climbing in window sills, scaling
cabinets to get that sacred banana on top of the microwave, and learning to
jump off a bed with no fear is heart-racing adventure to this momma!It makes me cherish the phrase, “I hold ju,
mom.”And stare long at his sweet
sleeping face as I rock him.
Last week our little man came into the kitchen while I was
mixing up some chicken salad.He was
naked as a jaybird and proudly flaunting his new found ability to take off his diaper. He was holding his satin blue blankie with his initials and birthdate monogrammed on it, and sucking his pacifier
adorned with the little dragon.It was a
cute picture.But, I had to be the
authority. “Heath, you can only have
your passy when you’re going night night.”He immediately dropped to the cold wood floor, put the blanket over him,
and closed his eyes as tight and forcefully as he could.I smiled and continued cooking.A couple seconds later his eyes were open. I
said, “Heath give your passy to mommy and you go play.”With a little giggly chase, he conceded and I put a diaper on him.
When I look in the mirror of my own life, I wonder if my Father looks at me and knowingly smiles at my immature ways. When do I strut around pridefully
flaunting something that really should stay behind closed doors?It is a battle I have fought.When I think I’m too important or crucial to
some situation, my Father gently reminds me that I’m much safer letting Him be
the Important One.It seems that what I
might view as worthy prideful flaunting is really viewed as foolish immature behavior.I think I could write a book about all the
times I thought I was getting it right.Only to look back with such embarrassment at how immature I was!!!What humbles me now is to know that I’m sure I'll do
it again!
I realize Heath is fully able to get rid of that
pacifier.He’s fought some illnesses
this year and we just haven’t put on our game faces and decided to take on the
“Breaking of the Pacifier” battle.I can’t
help but reflect on my own life and ponder about what needless little pleasures or
crutches I cling to.What is my Father patiently
directing me to get rid of so I can experience more freedom in Him?What is it that I desperately think I
need?Honestly, I do love my morning
coffee and I don’t like to miss my afternoon tea.
But I can’t help but wonder if perhaps my crutch is something more
like wanting approval.Many of you know that we moms who are home with little people everyday can loose our sense of purpose and get
lost in moments of doubting our true value.Oh the doubts can rage and my insides can crave accomplishments and
approval of days gone by. Sometimes I cling
to control or routine thinking those things are the answer to all life’s
anomalies.
Truth is all my pride and clinging will leave me on the cold
wood floor looking up to Him, needing His direction.
Our loving Father looks on us with His patient gaze and
directs to the Truest Life.It’s true
that I’ll always be a work in progress. Yet, the more intimate my relationship
grows with Him, the more that work isn’t such a hassle.It’s a joy.It’s an adventure.I grow in
gratitude and perspective. His Word comes to life in my life! It's all part of the Story.
The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul.
The statutes of the Lord are trustworthy, making wise the simple.
The precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the Lord are radiant, give light to the eyes.
This time of year evokes many strong memories. One of the dearest to my heart is the Passion Play performed yearly at Miner Baptist Church in Sikeston. I was an awkward little second-grade girl when Freida and Chester Cardwell took me along with them and their daughter Julie to church on Wednesday nights. It so happened that they were practicing for the production they put on yearly. I got to be apart of it from my first days of church.
I didn’t stand a chance at not falling in love with our Savior when my first experiences with Him were watching His life, death, and resurrection play out before my eyes over and over.
To this day there is a part in the play that grips my heart like nothing else and brings back a flood of emotions. Many of you will agree with me. It’s the song “Watch the Lamb” by Ray Boltz. Dewayne performed that song for years. Several of those years were with his sons singing with him. Can’t you still hear Dewayne’s clear beautiful voice crack with emotion as he sang the words, "I took them in my arms; we turned and faced the cross and I said dear children, watch the lamb."
Dewayne embodied the father who loved His Savior and taught his boys to follow Him in that song. He embodied him because that is who he is in his everyday life.
Words will never be able to express how grateful I am to call Dewayne Self my father-in-law, for my children to love him deeply as their Paw-Paw, and to reap the benefits of being married to a son they raised to be such an incredible man of God.
I am so unworthy of writing something to even touch the honor that Dewayne deserves. I simply know that I am thankful to be loved by him and to have his influence in my life. From my young years I have watched him give to people when he didn’t know any eyes were watching. I have learned lessons of diligence and hard work from him. I know of COUNTLESS men whose lives he led by his example right to Christ. I have sat and talked with him for hours around the kitchen table about God’s Word and I am inspired by His passion to learn more and draw closer to God through His Word. He has used his skilled hands to build for God’s Kingdom. He has used his gifted voice to sing of God’s Love. He has given more energy to strengthening God’s people than anyone I know. And, he has loved so many of us so well through his words and actions.
I want to open this blog up and invite you to leave a comment for Dewayne to read. Take a minute to let him know how special he is to you and how he has influenced your life. ***(You can post anonymously and sign your name. Since there has been difficulty posting comments, you can also send me a message and I will pass it on to him.)
Peace, Peace. There is nothing like Your balm of soothing salve that calms my chest, my lungs, my heart. Peace.
The air flows better, deeper. My heart slows. My eyes close. They really see… all is a Gift around me.
When my little girl hurls so strong that her face is left with vessels to show the power of her illness, when my baby boy comes frantically crying to our room because he can’t cough to clear the mucous to get the air, when our family holds tight to one they love dearly as he walks through life's most difficult battle, I will still thank my God for His overwhelming goodness.
Isn’t it Him who gives me air to breathe? Isn’t it His design that makes my heart pump? Did I do something to deserve the ground I walk on or the water I drink? Did I earn my husband or my children? By no means. All I have is from His undeserving, abundant provision.
It is all a gift from Him. The good and the so called “bad.” It's all a gift. Each is wrapped in different perspective. Some are easily seen. Others are only seen through the lense of His Word and the lense of His Love. Will I choose to be thankful for both the good and the "bad"?
The sweet little girl is singing loud from her swing this beautiful day. She sings words from her own heart to her own tune. Brent and I stop and listen and ask her to keep singing. She bellows, “It’s all Your beautiful creation and we thank You, we thank You, we thank You.” And Brent says, “These are the days." They are all a gift.
Peace. My eyes close. They really see… all is a Gift around me.
Last week I finally caved and went to the doctor over an annoying earache. Keep in mind that this decision meant taking two little sweet peas on a thirty-minute trip after school one afternoon. I expected to wait 30 or so minutes in the waiting room, then the doc would take a quick look in my ear and see the infection, write out the script and we would be on our way within the hour. I thought we might even stop for frozen yogurt on our way home.
I should have lowered my expectations!
It just so happened that the doctor was running an hour behind that day. So, I strangled… I mean wrangled my monsterous little man around sick people for an hour. It was humorous how many times we got out the hand sanitizer!
Now have you ever had anyone look in your ears and say, “Oh girrrl, this is gonna be hard?” If so, you can relate. The gross part is my ears were full of wax and they couldn’t see my ear drums. Supposedly this is a very common problem and has nothing to do with cleaning your ears. I am a meticulous ear cleaner, seeing as I was a swimmer growing up and fought swimmers ear regularly. Hey, I have to keep a little pride if I am posting this!
It only gets better from here. I won’t give you all the details. Just picture this: A thirty year old woman (a close friend reminded me that I’m not actually 30 yet and that I can’t throw that around until I’m truly apart of the “30 Year-Olds' Club.” She says I have “30 Year-Olds’ Envy.” She says the wisdom that the 30 year olds have has not yet been imparted on me... I am turning 30 in a couple weeks!) Sorry, off subject!
Picture a 29 year old woman with a beautiful six year old girl standing behind her and an adorable 22 month old boy standing on her lap. The following things are happening simultaneously:
A nurse is shooting water into the woman’s ear trying get ear wax to come out in a bowl.
The little girl stares into the bowl and quietly says, “Ewww” and “Mom you’ll be okay.”
The boy pumps foaming soap all over the counter with the water on full blast then begins to copy his sister by yelling, “EWWWWWW!!!!” at the top of his lungs over and over.
The nurse stops the shooting water and the woman tries to open her eyes only to find her equilibrium gone.
I’ll stop there.
Three hours later, we made it out alive.
And my ear is now feeling a little better.
I’m not sure the moral of this story. I do know that I found myself praying a lot that day. Perhaps God is reminding me that I am to be quick to listen and slow to speak. That He speaks in a still small voice and I need to get some junk (sin) cleared out to be able to listen.
And maybe, I am learning to love this simple and sometimes messy life He has given me. Maybe He is transfiguring the mess into beautiful Joy!
It’s true. Our family will soon grow by one precious life through the beautiful gift of adoption!
One evening several years ago Brent and I approached each other with something we wanted to share with the other one. A couple moments into the conversation we were relieved and excited to know that we were both wanting to express how we felt called to adopt a child! I’m not kidding. It was the same day!
Since that night, we have been blessed with our second child (Thomas Heath). And have lived our lives seeking to follow God. Many of you know where this has taken us… Brent changed jobs, I quit my job, bed bugs (yes, it’s true and we’re experts on their extermination), selling a house rapidly quick and facing no where to live, living in the trailer of sweet friends, living in and managing a little motel, a surprise pregnancy, bedrest for months, buying a house that needed tons of work and being humbly blessed by the labor of incredible people, a perfect healthy boy, Heidi growing up more and more, God’s redeeming and restoring love, and now He’s led us to an incredibly precious endeavor!
In October of 2011 something snapped inside and we knew it was time to start the process. We started very open to the whole situation. After a month of intense research and prayer, we were down to the agency and program we wanted to be apart of. We chose to work with Bethany Christian Services and will be adopting an infant from our country. The baby will likely be from Missouri or Illinois. We can’t predict how our story will unfold. We could walk with the mother for a couple months of her pregnancy and be with her at the hospital and take the baby home from there. Or we could get a “cold call” from the hospital and bring the baby home then. Or anything in between that!
We were most drawn to this program because of the significant need and the child being an infant. We are aware of the pain and heartache that comes along with abortion. I am a woman who has birthed children, and I know that no one can forget the life that has lived in their body. The Christian community encourages women to choose life. Our country is now experiencing a drop in abortion rates! However, there is a problem that has arisen since the rate decrease. Many of the babies whose parents choose life for their child also choose to create an adoption plan for their child… thus, making an opening for Christ followers to become families to these precious miracles. Point is, with abortion rates dropping, there is a significant opening for children to be adopted into a loving family.
Perhaps you are wondering why we chose to adopt. First, we simply knew deep in our guts that this was what God was leading us to do. Each step of the way He continues to make it very clear that we are on the right path. Second, we know that there are more children meant to be in our family. Third, we believe it is a tangible expression of how God loves us. Our biological children will live the unconditional love and acceptance that Jesus came to give. Our adopted children will experience that unconditional love and acceptance. I could go on with more examples and reasons. Our conviction in this area is so strong that we really can't give a good reason why not to adopt!
We began the homestudy in November. We had meetings to attend, boat loads of paperwork, documentation, doctor’s appointments, books to read and reports to write, financial conversations, meetings with our Bethany social worker, and profiles to create. All of this happened over the holidays and with one very sick little boy. I must admit that in the dark of night when we rushed him to the hospital any of the three times, I questioned if adoption was really what God was leading us to. When I would lay in the floor with him with my hand on his back listening to him wheeze, I couldn’t imagine caring for an infant at the same time. And then, when we would look at our finances with a logical lense, I would reel with doubt and spiral into confusion.
Then an email, a story, a song, scripture, a message, a person would unknowingly speak right to the problem and spur us on. Through this part of the journey, Brent and I have become intensly more unified. At times when we felt the other person would have a different opinion, we were shocked to find that we were on the exact same page! Also, our church entered an incredible series called Weird. It was further encouragement that we are on the right path! When Bryan read Romans 12:2, the words took root in our hearts. Check it out :
"So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you."
(fyi, I'm not saying we're were that verse calls us to. I'm saying it totally pumps us up!)
As of last Friday, we officially have completed our Home Study. We are now entering the waiting time. It could be anywhere from a month to a year before our next child is in our home. We have more education to complete in this waiting time. We enter this part of the journey trusting God with the financial side. (Woo, that's a tough one!) Adoption is very expensive in our eyes. In God’s eyes, it’s a drop in the bucket! And we anticipate experiencing Him provide…AS HE HAS ALWAYS DONE!
Right now we are full of emotions. Words can not describe the love God has already put in our hearts for this child. We have such a longing to hold that baby and kiss it and to nuture it and watch it grow into a beautiful person full of purpose and God’s love. No matter the tough times that come with any of our children, we will always be blessed to have the privledge to be their parents!
We invite you to pray with us and for us! Maybe you’ll be encouraged along the way!
He makes beautiful things out of us... out of dust...
Wendolyn, I picked this video because I thought you would like it best ;)
