The Addictive Choice

Doubts crept in today. I heard a song that talked about how God was there from before there was time. My human, logical mind can not fathom that. I remember lying in my bed as a child in my room with light green carpet and a peach colored bed spread. I would think about God, wondering if we were puppets. I would lie on top of my pillows and wonder if that’s what it felt like in heaven. I just wanted so bad to know who made God. I settled on the thought by deciding that that would be the first thing I would ask Him when I got to heaven. The faith of a child. The Bible speaks highly of it in Matthew 18:3.

My doubts today led me right back to utter belief and amazement. In the faith community, doubts can be looked on negatively. But I don’t think God looks on them negatively at all. I think He likes the challenge. Today He used them to bring me to a deeper place with Him. He’s pretty cool like that. I recalled the facts of how precise our earth is and how I see my Maker in all of it. How He has captivated me with His love and His presence. The intricacies of my body and my psyche are undeniably created with intention. There are so many times when He simply can not be explained away by reason and logic. His fingerprints are too deep to miss.

I looked out the window and watched Brent work so hard building a fence. As I stared at him, I reflected on how much he has loved me. There have been times when I have just been the biggest pain. Yet, he never and I mean never gripes or pressures me. He’s a Tony Dungee type guy (a mentor leader). Real love doesn’t force you to choose it, it captivates you. When you really see it for what it is, you want it.

God is love. (1 John 4:8 ) Love is a choice. God is a choice. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with how powerful God is. His ways are so different than ours. He is not defined by or limited to our rational human thoughts. He created me. The created can not fully comprehend its creator.

He created me to love and be loved. Our God is not a God of force. God is love. Love can not be forced on someone. If it is, it is not love. Our Creator birthed us with a choice. Everyday we wake up with the option to see Him and choose to love him. All day long He pursues each of us; giving each of us the opportunity to “…have and enjoy life, and have it to the full, till it overflows. “John 10:10

Somehow religion has mixed things up. When God is a chore not a choice we get bitter, resentful, and worn down. Have you been there? We end up having an affair with meaningless things. Money. Power. Popularity. Egocentrism. Toys. Appearance. Alcohol. Drugs. Pleasure. More. Better. Self. God created all things to be enjoyed. All things to lead us to see Him and thank Him. They’re not meant to be put in the place of Him. I don’t want to miss that He created them to point me to Him… the One who loves us and gives us the choice to acknowledge Him or not.

I’ll be practical. We have had this 2001 Mitsubishi Montero for almost five years now. It’s pearly white with tan trim and tan interior. It has big windows and the perfect amount of tinting. It has a third row option for seating. There is something in me that really likes it. I have since the day we got it. For the first three years of owning it, I felt like it was too nice for me. Then, Brent woke me up. It really is an “older” car and you don’t see many others like it… must not be the most desired car on the road. Point is I spent those three years missing the chance to tell God thank you for something I think is so nice. Now, I can’t count how many times I’ve looked at it out the window and thought how much I like it. I know that God enjoys the fact that I enjoy the car He put in my life.

I know God smiles, when Heidi is outside all alone and says, “Oh wow, that just made a rainbow!” when playing in the water. Or when I see her out the window looking at her sunflower seeds she planted and her eyes get huge and she says, “Wow!” She and God are having a conversation. She gets it. He’s captivating her with His love. God likes it when I feel pretty. He is especially pleased when I enjoy spending time with my husband. All of our life can be a love story between us and Him.

The truth is, God will never force us to choose Him. Because He loves us, He created us to make the choice ourselves. That’s real love. He is committed to pursuing His created. I’m not just talking about believing in Jesus and trusting Him for salvation. I’m talking about a daily choice to choose Him.

To choose Him when I didn’t get enough sleep. Choose Him when I hit my toe on the corner of the bed. Choose Him when someone compliments me. Choose Him when I get bad news. Choose Him when I get good news. Choose Him when money is tight. Choose Him when a friend needs help. Choose Him when things don’t make any sense at all.

Someone close to me is going through something life altering. Something I have never faced and I believe only those who experience it can understand how difficult it is to go through. This person said something so profound. I won’t get the words exactly right, but I understand the point. This person called the closeness he has found with God during this trial “addictive.” My heart pounds at the thought of it. Isn’t that it!

There is something in us that wants to be addicted to something. All of us. We battle addictions of all kinds. Society is more accepting of some of our addictions than others. Gossip and self promotion are widely accepted. Cocaine and sex are not accepted. But don’t they come from the same place? They come from our desire to be fulfilled. Nothing will fill us but the One who created us! And, if a man facing the trial of his life who is forced to evaluate life still says that God is the deepest fill, then my suspicion is proved true. Our relationship with God is the only thing that will ever truly fill us.

I need no other high when I choose Him. When I choose Him, I see things for what they really are. I love people for who they are. I appreciate each moment. I find value in hard things and easy things. When I choose Him, I don’t need anger management or a stress reliever. Life slows down a little and I do things that matter to me. I breathe much deeper. The words of the Bible, His words, leap off the page at me. They resound deep in my heart and move me to action. He is addictive.

Nothing Stays the Same

Last weekend we went to a beautiful Southern wedding. My cousin was getting married in Charleston. Charleston is rich with tradition and they know how to make weddings memorable. It was a truly beautiful time. However, for such an occasion, a nice dress was required on my part. Our life style has changed in the past five or so years and I no longer dress up very often. I had nothing to wear.

I did try to shop the week ahead of time. Brent was out of town for the week and I shopped with the kiddos. It did not work. Heidi was totally up for it. Heath was not. He would not let me put him three inches away from me without screaming so loud that everyone in the store would have wanted us to leave. What am I talking about? I would have wanted us to leave! Point is-- shopping failed.

Brent got home Friday night and we planned to stop in Cape to grab a dress on our way to the wedding on Saturday. Ladies, can you imagine leaving your house knowing that you MUST find a dress with only 30 minutes of shopping time and that you will have to wear it that night with no other options? Oh, the pressure. We stopped at TJ Max. I had one shot to make it work. Ten dresses in the room. Speed trying them on. Down to two options. Eeeny meeny miny mo. Picked one. (Now, looking at the pictures, it was not a good choice. It really made me look pregnant. So, if you saw the pictures and were wondering… no I’m not).

I rushed out to the car. We were trying to calmly hurry. Buckling in the car seats, we smelled Heath’s dirty diaper. We had an hour to make it to our forty five minute destination. The diaper needed changing and my dress needed changing. Our car has no tented windows and we were in a full parking lot. I begin the “Ol’ Put Clothes on Over Clothes and Pull the Other Ones Off Strategically” method and Brent began changing the very bad diaper in the back on his stain free tan seats. Heath started moving and getting mad, rolling, grabbing (ya know what I mean), things were getting messy. Heidi studied my every move and people walked by noticing what I was doing. Remember, there was a screaming baby drawing attention to our little car. One hundred wipeys later and lots of sweat later, we were done. I was appropriately dressed for a fancy wedding, Heath smelled like baby powder, Heidi earned another notch on her Incredible Big Sister belt, and Brent was breathing deep. We made it through the change. Then, we could enjoy what was to come.

Isn’t change like that. It has to happen to fully experience the “next” part of life. Sometimes we’re thrown into it (the poopy diaper) and sometimes we know it’s coming (the dress). We get to choose how to handle the change. We can avoid the change. Putting off changing that diaper, would have just made things stink for all of us the whole car ride. Not to mention the pain it could have caused Heath if he got a diaper rash from it. I’m wondering if this really is true. That avoiding change causes our lives to ferment, rot, and slowly cause pain to us. Pain we feel when we start moving a little. So, to further avoid the pain, we sit real still. We stay in the routine and do our best to ignore the mess that needs cleaning.

In my life, I think I have most commonly fought the change. I haven’t turned away from it, but by golly, when I get in the middle of it, I have fought against it. So many times, that leads to unnecessary tension and stress. I make it through. But, it’s rough getting there. And, people close to me sure don’t want to go through it with me. They don’t want to become the target of my frustration or deal with me trying to control all the variables. In the book of Daniel, it says that when Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego came out of the fire they didn’t smell like a hint of smoke. For me, I would go through the trial and reek of smoke. I may have made it through (only by God’s grace), but the people closest would know how difficult or scary it was. I would have to fight bitterness. I can just imagine if I would have handled the changes of that Saturday morning that way. The car would be thick with tension and regret. Love and peace would have been squandered and good memories would have been traded for moments desired to be forgotten. That’s what fighting the changed will do. I’ve been a pro at that.

The day I changed into the dress in the compact car in the front seat. I did not fight the change. Brent and Heidi did not fight the change. We embraced it. I took my time. I kept breathing slowly. Even when Brent said, “Oooh no it’s on his hands.” Even, we Heath did the loudest pig squeal sound in the world. Even when Heidi studied each move I made intently as she sat in the driver's seat. (By the way, she has been changing her clothes like that all week now). I smiled at the little ladies walking by as I wiggled my hung arm free.

Our little family chose to embrace the change that day. We laughed as we recalled the funny moments of it. The weather dropped 15 degrees that day and skies filled with clouds before the rain as we drove to Charleston. Yet, our hearts really were warmed by the peace of embracing the trials and brightened with laughter, music, and napping children. That would not have happened had I fought the change! I know we’ll not handle every situation like this. Actually, we’ll get it wrong more than we get it right. But once, we’ve tasted the beauty of embracing the changes in our lives, we’ll never want to avoid them or fight them again.

God created humans and everything else in our world to change. Nothing stays the same. Change always has a great purpose in life. Change comes in many different forms. Health. Income. Relationships. Ways of thinking. Disasters. New life. Choices. The process of change can happen in moments or over years. Either way change does happen. I want to pay attention to the changes going on around me everyday and embrace the moments and be transformed into a new person. I want to let what seems like bad change to grow me into a more thankful person who sees things deeper than the surface. I want to soak up this change thing and live with the peace and joy that comes from connecting with our God.

Nothing stays the same. My baby girl is now five and asks questions about life. My baby boy is now almost a year old and in one week’s time he went from a crawler to a walker. After a long winter, the Oak tree out the window is thick with green leaves. I look at my hands and already see the sun’s aging on them. Last week an evil leader was alive, now he is dead. I read old journals and smile at my old thoughts. Will I do the same ten years from now? Nothing stays the same.

One of my top ten favorite songs of life. I hope it is played at my funeral!