Lessons from the Golf Cart

My favorite thing about golf is driving the golf cart.  That's what I did with my dad when I was little and that's what I do with my husband.  I clearly remember the golf courses I drove on while we were on our honeymoon.  We still have a couple "golf dates" every year.  Brent focuses on his shots.  I focus on nature.  

Last week we were nearly alone at a beautiful course in Farmington.  The sun was setting.  The scene was thick with beauty.  My inner dialogue was conversing with our Creator.  I settled on thoughts about about time and moments as the earth turned away from the light.  I imagined things going on at that moment in our world.  Joyous moments of babies being born, marriage proposals, and teenagers trusting their Savior for the first time.  Quiet moments of moms and daughters hugging, a grandpa telling stories, and men praying.  Sad moments like a beautiful teenage girl from a small town taking her last breath, hundreds of people's lives reeling from tragic loss, and illness reeking havoc on a strong body.  Time. Moments. Life.

I followed Brent to the next hole.  The cart path was tucked on the bottom of a hill in the shadow of the trees.  The next hole was the same.  The petty side of me complained inside that I was missing the climax of the sunset.  The shadows seemed to take so long.  I kept thinking about how I was missing the best part.  Time and beauty were going by.  Then I heard a whisper in my thoughts.  "Be patient.  I have something better to show you."  I argued the thought and decided it was a cliche.  I settled that I missed the best part and was glad Brent was having fun.  

As we crept out of the valley above the trees we were taken back by the fire-like clouds and vivid colors.  We drove in very slowly staring at the incredible display.  By very slowly I mean that I barely moved the cart and kept stopping to stare.  

I laughed when I realized that God was showing off.  He indeed did show me something better.  He was the One speaking in my heart reminding me of a truth.

When we are in the shadows and feeling like we have missed it or lost it, we must be patient and watchful.  When our time is filled with something difficult or dark He is always creating something beautiful.  The valley of shadows will end and beauty will be revealed.  If you are headlong in a shadow, know that just above the trees He is creating something beautiful and... 

We will basque in the Beauty and experience His Glory if we actively wait and watch.  

A Doctorate?

Well, I’ve decided to get a doctorate.  I know I don’t even have a masters degree yet, so this is a big commitment.  I’m doing a little alternative education.  I recently read that it takes 10,000 hours to become a bonafide expert in something.  I figure that if I reach the 10,000 hour mark, I will be deserving of a doctorate.  I’m not sure who will sign my certificate though. 

My courses take place 24 hours a day.  I just have to choose when I’m participating in them.  I did have a clinical a few mornings ago.  It all began when Brent did something that made me mad.  It wasn’t a big deal.  We were having a bit of morning rush and he said something I didn’t agree with.  I felt the spark light in me.  You know what I’m talking about.  The spark that makes you want to be sure you’re opinion is known on the topic.  The typical Heather is quick to point out how what he said was wrong and to then let the anger burn in me for a while.  Then I would say a decent goodbye as he headed off to work but my heart wouldn’t be in it.

That morning was different.  I chose to put in some hours toward becoming an expert.

I nonchalantly went on to our bathroom to get ready.  My heart was beating fast.  I could feel the urge to set things straight pound with my pulse.  I sat down with my head in my hands. I couldn’t find good words so I just asked God to lead me in my thoughts.  I didn’t want to be angry with Brent.  I didn’t want my selfishness to hurt our unity.  I wanted to show him grace. 

Just like a Father who wants to help his child succeed, God flooded my mind with how He forgives me from all the wrong things I say.  He reminded me of His Truth.  Like how I don’t want to be the nag that Proverbs talks about and how my role is to respect my husband and how I need to take the log out of my own eye! 

He tenderly reminded me of His command to love each other as He loves us and to let peace rule in our hearts:

Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.  Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.  Colossians 3:12-15

I conceded.  "Yes, I'll let Your peace rule."  And did it ever.  Brent and I had a great start to the day.  I could have been blah and bland. Instead I had a deep peace and joy that made me smile from the inside out.  I sent him off with my love and support.  My selfishness didn't ruin our morning.  That clinical was worth it!

Well, I added an hour or two to my degree audit (do doctorates even have those?) that morning. I’m determined to become a 10,000 hour expert at depending on our God’s guidance.   I sure do have many more hours to put in to become an expert.  And I’m looking forward to the day I habitually err on the side of gratitude, love, truth, and forgiveness in all my relationships!  Why don’t you join me in getting your doctorate too ;)    

This song came on Pandora when I was praying that morning.  Perhaps, it's a little encouragement from our Savior:

The Everyday Stories

Moms of two year olds have great stories.  Every single day has many little comedy sketches sandwiched between dramatic fits, new discoveries, snuggling, and action-adventure.  Every day is a short film.  Each one contains oodles of lessons for each person involved.  I’m beginning to suspect that the real intention behind all this drama is to shape the momma.  (Rhyme not intended J ).  In the midst of our daily plot line Heidi has discovered her inner giggle box.  I think she spends half her day laughing at her brother.  I get the hard job of holding my smile back and imposing much needing direction in his little life. 

Watching that little brain discover new things is a priceless experience.  It makes everything in the world brand new to me too.  He drops to his belly to examine what that was crawling in the grass.  He stops dead in his tracks to yell, “Tweet Tweet” back to a bird.  He doesn’t miss a basketball goal within a mile of his eyesight and yells with pure excitement, “Skook a ball!  Shook a ball!”  Does God make their senses incredibly heightened or do ours get dull?

You may not believe the action-adventure part.  But climbing in window sills, scaling cabinets to get that sacred banana on top of the microwave, and learning to jump off a bed with no fear is heart-racing adventure to this momma!  It makes me cherish the phrase, “I hold ju, mom.”  And stare long at his sweet sleeping face as I rock him. 

Last week our little man came into the kitchen while I was mixing up some chicken salad.  He was naked as a jaybird and proudly flaunting his new found ability to take off his diaper.  He was holding his satin blue blankie with his initials and birthdate monogrammed on it, and sucking his pacifier adorned with the little dragon.  It was a cute picture.  But, I had to be the authority.  “Heath, you can only have your passy when you’re going night night.”  He immediately dropped to the cold wood floor, put the blanket over him, and closed his eyes as tight and forcefully as he could.  I smiled and continued cooking.  A couple seconds later his eyes were open. I said, “Heath give your passy to mommy and you go play.”  With a little giggly chase, he conceded and I put a diaper on him. 

When I look in the mirror of my own life, I wonder if my Father looks at me and knowingly smiles at my immature ways. When do I strut around pridefully flaunting something that really should stay behind closed doors?  It is a battle I have fought.  When I think I’m too important or crucial to some situation, my Father gently reminds me that I’m much safer letting Him be the Important One.  It seems that what I might view as worthy prideful flaunting is really viewed as foolish immature behavior.  I think I could write a book about all the times I thought I was getting it right.  Only to look back with such embarrassment at how immature I was!!!  What humbles me now is to know that I’m sure I'll do it again!

I realize Heath is fully able to get rid of that pacifier.  He’s fought some illnesses this year and we just haven’t put on our game faces and decided to take on the “Breaking of the Pacifier” battle.  I can’t help but reflect on my own life and ponder about what needless little pleasures or crutches I cling to.  What is my Father patiently directing me to get rid of so I can experience more freedom in Him?  What is it that I desperately think I need?  Honestly, I do love my morning coffee and I don’t like to miss my afternoon tea. 

But I can’t help but wonder if perhaps my crutch is something more like wanting approval.  Many of you know that we moms who are home with little people everyday can loose our sense of purpose and get lost in moments of doubting our true value.  Oh the doubts can rage and my insides can crave accomplishments and approval of days gone by.  Sometimes I cling to control or routine thinking those things are the answer to all life’s anomalies.

Truth is all my pride and clinging will leave me on the cold wood floor looking up to Him, needing His direction.

Our loving Father looks on us with His patient gaze and directs to the Truest Life.  It’s true that I’ll always be a work in progress. Yet, the more intimate my relationship grows with Him, the more that work isn’t such a hassle.  It’s a joy.  It’s an adventure.  I grow in gratitude and perspective.  His Word comes to life in my life!  It's all part of the Story.  

The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul.

The statutes of the Lord are trustworthy, making wise the simple.

The precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart.

The commands of the Lord are radiant, give light to the eyes.

The fear of the Lord is pure, enduring forever.

Psalm 19: 7-9

Celebrating Dewayne

This time of year evokes many strong memories. One of the dearest to my heart is the Passion Play performed yearly at Miner Baptist Church in Sikeston. I was an awkward little second-grade girl when Freida and Chester Cardwell took me along with them and their daughter Julie to church on Wednesday nights. It so happened that they were practicing for the production they put on yearly. I got to be apart of it from my first days of church.

I didn’t stand a chance at not falling in love with our Savior when my first experiences with Him were watching His life, death, and resurrection play out before my eyes over and over.

To this day there is a part in the play that grips my heart like nothing else and brings back a flood of emotions. Many of you will agree with me. It’s the song “Watch the Lamb” by Ray Boltz. Dewayne performed that song for years. Several of those years were with his sons singing with him. Can’t you still hear Dewayne’s clear beautiful voice crack with emotion as he sang the words, "I took them in my arms; we turned and faced the cross and I said dear children, watch the lamb."

Dewayne embodied the father who loved His Savior and taught his boys to follow Him in that song. He embodied him because that is who he is in his everyday life.

Words will never be able to express how grateful I am to call Dewayne Self my father-in-law, for my children to love him deeply as their Paw-Paw, and to reap the benefits of being married to a son they raised to be such an incredible man of God.

I am so unworthy of writing something to even touch the honor that Dewayne deserves. I simply know that I am thankful to be loved by him and to have his influence in my life. From my young years I have watched him give to people when he didn’t know any eyes were watching. I have learned lessons of diligence and hard work from him. I know of COUNTLESS men whose lives he led by his example right to Christ. I have sat and talked with him for hours around the kitchen table about God’s Word  and I am inspired by His passion to learn more and draw closer to God through His Word. He has used his skilled hands to build for God’s Kingdom. He has used his gifted voice to sing of God’s Love. He has given more energy to strengthening God’s people than anyone I know.  And, he has loved so many of us so well through his words and actions.

I want to open this blog up and invite you to leave a comment for Dewayne to read. Take a minute to let him know how special he is to you and how he has influenced your life.
***(You can post anonymously and sign your name.  Since there has been difficulty posting comments, you can also send me a message and I will pass it on to him.)

These are the Days

Peace, Peace. There is nothing like Your balm of soothing salve that calms my chest, my lungs, my heart. Peace.

The air flows better, deeper. My heart slows. My eyes close.  They really see… all is a Gift around me.

When my little girl hurls so strong that her face is left with vessels to show the power of her illness, when my baby boy comes frantically crying to our room because he can’t cough to clear the mucous to get the air, when our family holds tight to one they love dearly as he walks through life's most difficult battle, I will still thank my God for His overwhelming goodness.

Isn’t it Him who gives me air to breathe? Isn’t it His design that makes my heart pump? Did I do something to deserve the ground I walk on or the water I drink? Did I earn my husband or my children?  By no means.  All I have is from His undeserving, abundant provision.

It is all a gift from Him. The good and the so called “bad.” It's all a gift.  Each is wrapped in different perspective. Some are easily seen.  Others are only seen through the lense of His Word and the lense of His Love.  Will I choose to be thankful for both the good and the "bad"?

The sweet little girl is singing loud from her swing this beautiful day. She sings words from her own heart to her own tune. Brent and I stop and listen and ask her to keep singing.  She bellows, “It’s all Your beautiful creation and we thank You, we thank You, we thank You.” And Brent says, “These are the days." They are all a gift.

Peace. My eyes close.  They really see… all is a Gift around me.



A Little Gross and a Little Funny

Last week I finally caved and went to the doctor over an annoying earache. Keep in mind that this decision meant taking two little sweet peas on a thirty-minute trip after school one afternoon. I expected to wait 30 or so minutes in the waiting room, then the doc would take a quick look in my ear and see the infection, write out the script and we would be on our way within the hour. I thought we might even stop for frozen yogurt on our way home.

I should have lowered my expectations!

It just so happened that the doctor was running an hour behind that day. So, I strangled… I mean wrangled my monsterous little man around sick people for an hour. It was humorous how many times we got out the hand sanitizer!

Now have you ever had anyone look in your ears and say, “Oh girrrl, this is gonna be hard?” If so, you can relate. The gross part is my ears were full of wax and they couldn’t see my ear drums. Supposedly this is a very common problem and has nothing to do with cleaning your ears. I am a meticulous ear cleaner, seeing as I was a swimmer growing up and fought swimmers ear regularly. Hey, I have to keep a little pride if I am posting this!

It only gets better from here. I won’t give you all the details. Just picture this: A thirty year old woman (a close friend reminded me that I’m not actually 30 yet and that I can’t throw that around until I’m truly apart of the “30 Year-Olds' Club.” She says I have “30 Year-Olds’ Envy.” She says the wisdom that the 30 year olds have has not yet been imparted on me... I am turning 30 in a couple weeks!) Sorry, off subject!

Picture a 29 year old woman with a beautiful six year old girl standing behind her and an adorable 22 month old boy standing on her lap. The following things are happening simultaneously:

A nurse is shooting water into the woman’s ear trying get ear wax to come out in a bowl.

The little girl stares into the bowl and quietly says, “Ewww” and “Mom you’ll be okay.”

The boy pumps foaming soap all over the counter with the water on full blast then begins to copy his sister by yelling, “EWWWWWW!!!!” at the top of his lungs over and over.

The nurse stops the shooting water and the woman tries to open her eyes only to find her equilibrium gone.

I’ll stop there.

Three hours later, we made it out alive.

And my ear is now feeling a little better.

I’m not sure the moral of this story. I do know that I found myself praying a lot that day. Perhaps God is reminding me that I am to be quick to listen and slow to speak. That He speaks in a still small voice and I need to get some junk (sin) cleared out to be able to listen.

And maybe, I am learning to love this simple and sometimes messy life He has given me. Maybe He is transfiguring the mess into beautiful Joy!

I will tell this story to my grandkids!

Lately, I have been living in the moment.  I’ve been slowing the moments down, making them heavy, and saying “yes” to moment I’m in.  In doing that, it seems that lots of things don’t get done.  But lots of loving, praying and thanking have been getting done!  I’m pretty cool with the opportunity cost.  (Doesn’t that make you think of 4^th grade economics!)

I do have a very cool story to share with you.  You need to know up front that it is 100% true.  I am not going to exaggerate one tiny bit. 

Have you every seen a room sparkle with scattered rainbows from a light catcher in the window?  Isn’t it such a divine thing?  Rainbows of God’s love surrounding you like He sent after the flood, like Joseph’s coat of many colors, like the beauty that comes only from “storms.” 

Or does it remind you of the Creator God who created color and light and how it can be divided by glass?  And lead you to think about the power of our brains He created.  Then wonder how tiny our human intelligence is in light of His Holy intelligence. 

Or do the rainbows remind you of His Intimacy with His Creation?  If not, listen to this…

Since childhood I have loved seeing crystals cast rainbows.  When I was tiny I spent some time living at my Nanny and Grandpa’s in their one hundred year old Queen Anne Victorian house.  In the front room Nanny had this mesmerizing “crystal tree” (as all of us cousins call it).  At the age of four I STOLE one of the crystal branches.  I remember cherishing that little thing.  Nanny asked me several times if I had it.  I lied to her over and over and knew I was lying!  If I remember right, I snuck down stairs one morning and put it back on the tree.  I recently found out that I’m not the only one to do that!  Uh hum… Annie-Mollie :)

Last Wednesday morning, I sat in the living room with my sweet boy.  We were recklessly playing with cars and blocks.  Sunlight was beaming through our little cottage-like door and the front window.  My mind was a little reckless too as I was mentally preparing to teach teenagers about the holiness of God that night.  In the middle of smashing cars, I realized that the sun didn’t usually shine in through the door like it was.  And noticed that since the leaves had fallen, the sun had a clear path through the window panels on the door right into our living room.

In that moment I knew what I was going to ask Brent and Heidi to get me for Christmas.  I said out loud to the one and half year old, “I want a little glass ball shaped like a disco ball to hang in that door.”   

Later when Heath was napping, I studied the lesson I planned to teach the students.  I confessed to God how inadequate I felt to teach on such a big topic.  Looking into God’s Holiness reminded me of my sin and inadequacy.  I went down a path of wondering why in the world God would use me to risk His name on.  He is wholly pure and good and righteous.  And, I am not!

This is where He showed off.  That afternoon I loaded up the diaper bag and had Heath at hand walking out the door.  As I opened the door there stood my dear friend Pat coming to the door.  In her hand was something that absolutely took my breath away.  I could hardly talk.

She explained to me that they were leaving for their home in Florida for the winter and she wanted me to have a gift. 

It was a small glass ball shaped like a disco ball with a string attached! I am not kidding.  

Can you believe He was so obvious! There was no hiding what He was trying to tell me. 

In His Holiness He chooses to be in RELATIONSHIP with us. 

He is not a God somewhere up there.  He is not distant from us.  We are His beloved.  That’s why Jesus came!  The Holy God put on flesh to save us; free us from our sin addiction through and intimate personal relationship with Him.

Father, redeem us because of Your unfailing love.  Psalm 44:26

You should come and see the hundreds of little rainbows in our living room on sunny mornings!